


i don't wanna be your friend, i wanna kiss your lips

by antpelts



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Canon-Typical Violence, Fake AH Crew, Isolation, M/M, Mental Illness, Trans Character, jack is trans, plus trev for this fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-06-24 11:49:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19723063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antpelts/pseuds/antpelts
Summary: The one where Trevor tries to ruin himself before Gavin can.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i cant stop making new fics! its easier to jump between diff ones tho so have this!

If there was anything Trevor didn’t quite get, it was Gavin. He even understood the Golden Boy, as much as they could all understand each other, but once the sunglasses were folded and put in a drawer, once the gold pistol was tucked under his bed.. everything Trevor knew was turned on its head. Even the Vagabond made more sense over time, questionable sure but Trevor could expect everything the man threw at him. Well, to an extent.

Jeremy was easy, alongside Matt; they brought him into the crew with nothing but praise that Trevor knew he didn’t deserve. Alfredo flocked to him upon his arrival and they just knew, the twin telepathy may have been a joke but it was based in truth. The main crew took longer but they had their patterns, their quirks. He wasn’t always certain of what made them tick but they were a family and Trevor felt secure in that. Geoff appreciated the quiet Trevor could bring in the same way that his recklessness and the mess he left behind in those moments would frustrate Michael. (Trevor learned quickly that Michael only liked messes he didn’t have to clean.) He could share a coffee with Jack on a slow morning and wouldn’t mind throwing some food together when he sensed the tiredness she could exude. After a while he even found that he could get Ryan to play off of his spontaneity in ways almost like Jeremy and Gavin, a few cries of excitement were all it took for Ryan to hit an extra biker, to steal something extra that was pointless. (Geoff scolded them from coming back from a hit with a _bust_.)

In their own ways the crew made sense and Trevor was just glad to know enough to take care of them. Even Los Santos couldn’t rip the people pleaser gene from him. It was absolutely more muted from his teen years but he’d still put a drunk Jeremy to bed, he’d take the time to help Michael clean up after the tornado that was Jeremy and Gavin. If he couldn’t protect his crew with firepower then he’d make sure they were taken care of. (He refused to believe them when they told him how good of a shot he was.) He was comfortable, mostly. Gavin proved to be a thorn in his side in the least predictable way.

Trevor _liked_ him, he enjoyed their time together. With the Golden Boy, at least. He’d don the sunglasses and give Trevor a thumbs up, he’d disappear for maybe ten minutes and then Trevor would be filming a jet flying upside down far too close to the street. Then not even four hours later they’d return to the penthouse where the glasses came off, an old shirt would replace something nicer, and he’d hide away in his room for days sometimes. Trevor would reason with himself, _‘he’s working’_ , and while he _was_.. he couldn’t help but feel a disappointment. What could he do, though? It wasn’t really normal or easy to approach a coworker and ask them why they wouldn’t let you in. It was even harder when coworker didn’t mean a man in a cubicle next to him, it meant a man who could kill him a hundred different ways.

It wasn’t like he didn’t trust him though, if anything Gavin was one of the people Trevor trusted most. Not because of an established emotional connection (well, Trevor had his own connection to him), because of moments shared between the two where one misstep could result in death, horribly stupid stunts _no one_ should do. Trevor just didn’t understand the lines between Gavin and the Golden Boy, he didn’t understand what was dividing them and honestly he was a little upset. He’s seen Ryan lean over Gavin’s shoulder as he cradled his head in frustration scanning his code before correcting something. He’s seen Matt sharing intel on a locations security on quiet nights, bodies close and voices low. He’s seen Gavin’s indignant squawks as Geoff put him in a playful headlock.

Jealous. He was jealous and he didn’t really want to unpack that. It had been a few years since his entry into the crew, only a few less of being the head behind the scenes (Geoff was still the _boss_ but in a different way than before). He’d worked hard to earn his place, and even harder to become close with his crew - partly because of his drive to care and partly because of his anxieties that cried out, longing to be _wanted_.

“Trev,” Jeremy’s voice startled him and he raised his head, the look that crossed his eyes was unreadable in the strangest way. “We were gonna pop some fireworks on Chiliad. Well.. missiles too but Ryan said keep it quiet because Geoff and Jack don’t know.”

“We?” Trevor was already rising to his feet, leaving his computer behind. Right.. he’d been looking at the news, reports from the last few months about their heists and odd jobs. In his mind it was important to find out as much as he could about the way they were observed. On the other hand it was also simply fun to see how people were posting about them on social media.

“Ryan, _obviously_ , Me, Michael, and Gav.” Jeremy tried to ignore the way that Trevor seemed to light up at Gavin’s name but something flashed over his vision and Trevor wanted to curl in on himself. 

Socked feet dragged over the carpet, a step below pacing, and Trevor felt so awkward because he’d _already stood up_. So, even at the risk of looking stupid he merely shuffled a few feet over to sit on his bed. Avoiding Jeremy’s eyes he simply shook his head, already mentally berating himself.

“He..asked me if you would come.” That was safe enough for Jeremy to say without placing too many assumptions out there about what was bothering Trevor. All that met the words were silence, however, and Jeremy had enough sense to leave the room. The door clicked closed behind him and Trevor let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Cheeks flushed as he mulled over what had been said to him, he wasn’t acting like a boss he was acting like a schoolgirl with a crush.

That was dangerous.

* * *

After careful consideration Trevor decided to be, well, a bit of a bitch. He cracked down a bit harder, worked longer, pushed himself further. Instead of asking for collaboration he spent hours on heist plans by himself, no matter how small the job he drew up extensive plans. Instead of relaxing around his crew he became more uptight, less nights relaxing in sweats on the penthouse couch, more nights of him in a pressed suit, telling everyone what he expected before disappearing to the warehouse.

Much to everyone’s surprise he placed himself on the frontlines for the next heist. The shadow of a beard covered his face, his eyes looked tired. No one said anything as he strapped a sleek black sniper rifle to his back. His white dress shirt was bound to get dirty but it was part of the look, covered by a dark vest and coupled with equally dark dress pants. Impractical shoes covered his feet, almost shiny enough to see your reflection. As Jeremy’s eyes fell on him Trevor decided that there was too much concern in the look and he brought aviators down from his forehead and over his eyes. Geoff passed him a comm wordlessly and Trevor gave a nod before tucking it into his ear.

With one last look Jeremy tore off in his car, Michael silent in the passenger seat. Trevor tried not to look too long as Gavin climbed behind Ryan onto his bike. He tried not to read into the look Gavin shot back at him, neither expression could be read through sunglasses. With those four off Trevor hauled himself up into the helicopter, not bothering to sit, simply holding on.

“Do you wanna call it, Treyco?” Geoff’s voiced roused him from his thoughts and for a minute his new walls cracked, smile playing on his lips. No matter what this was his crew and this heist was going to work. It had to. His response was simply a nod as Jack started up the helicopter and they began to gain altitude.

As the crew confirmed their positions Trevor felt his nerves settle as he shifted into the mindset he needed. He was the boss, he knew his crew, everyone was ready. After Jack dropped him off on a roof across the street from the bank he sunk down in an effort to conceal himself. Taking a breath to steel himself he pressed his stomach to the ground, setting up his rifle. The final confirmation from Jack and Geoff was all he needed.

“Heist!” No one dared mention the dullness in his voice, tone dark.

Voices came in and out of his comm, against better judgement he drowned them out. The blood rushing through his ears was enough to focus on. Eyes were trained ahead, unmoving; sunglasses lay beside him now. The building seemed to tremble as an explosion sounded off inside, Michael’s laugh ringing in his comm. 

Now it was time for Trevor’s part. Sirens were rapidly approaching and he looked across the street to where Ryan was hidden at ground level. There should be enough firepower between them until Michael and Jeremy were making their way back out. Soon the sirens blocked out everything else, all Trevor knew was his gun, fingers switched the safety off and he held his breath as he lined up a shot. Satisfaction balled in the pit of his stomach as he watched the body drop, blood spraying everywhere - it was good to be back in the saddle.

When he joined the Fakes he always refused a sniper position, insisting his smarts would be more beneficial. They listened and he worked in the background until they couldn’t help but take full notice of him. Stepping up filled him with anxieties, imposter syndrome was a _bitch_ , but he supposed it was better than what he was doing now.

At least until he put himself behind the rifle again. Another shot. Another pop. In the beginning at least he felt like it was a competition; could he live up to Brownman’s legacy? But now.. this was his and his alone. Everything about him was muted, from his clothes to his rifle, there were no quips, just cold silence. He wasn’t Ray, not even close.

“Gav - Gav, you out?” Michael’s voice. They wanted Gavin to evacuate first so Jeremy and Michael could cover his back. Whether or not he liked it he _was_ the most vulnerable.

“Yeah,” Gavin’s voice crackled in and Trevor tightened his grip on his gun, firing another shot. “I got out the back, it’s clear back here. Don’t worry about me.”

“They’re noticing my perch,” his voice cut in as soon as Gavin’s faded, nearly cutting the other off. “I need to get out of here.” 

“Okay, Michael and I are gonna cover you with Ryan. Drop down the back.” Trevor fired off two more shots before crawling backwards. He moved until feet hit the ladder, keeping his head low the whole time. “Gav, try and pull around the block, pick Trevor up on your bike.”

Trevor kept his mouth shut, gritting his teeth as he switched his safety on, placing the rifle on his back once more. He strained to hear if there was anything hidden in Jeremy’s tone; he tried to tell himself there was no ulterior motive in his friend’s words. They were just keeping each other safe. With that in mind he began down the ladder, moving multiple rungs at once by letting himself slide a foot before catching himself briefly on a rung. The low rumble of a bike was behind him sooner than he expected, he let go to drop the last few feet, sinking low upon impact in hopes of absorbing some of the shock. When he turned he was met with the sight of Gavin, hair slick with sweat, glasses threatening to slip down his nose. 

Glasses, he’d forgotten his glasses. Groaning under his breath he approached the bike, swinging a leg over and making sure his rifle was secure. Arms hesitantly wrapped around Gavin’s middle, a loose as he could manage. “Go.”

They were moving immediately, the force making Trevor shift in his seat. Involuntarily his arms tightened and he leaned forward, cheek pressing into the other man’s shoulder. A chill ran down his spine and he took breaths in through his mouth to avoid smelling Gavin’s cologne. He was trying to keep emotional attachments low and smelling his coworker’s shoulder wasn’t going to help any. Either of them could drop at any moment and he had a job to do; so he simply kept breathing through his mouth, trying to ignore the feeling of Gavin’s body against his. He was an _adult_ he was capable of acting like one.

Probably.

Voices continued to drone in his ear, he simply listened for panic. If it sounded fine he just kept his mouth shut, not one for real thoughts for the moment. All he could focus on was clearing his mind - stay focused. By the time he lifted his head they were tearing through open desert. The plan had been to split up before anything, they couldn’t track everyone, it made it all the easier to lose the cops. Trevor had to notice though.. it wasn’t like they were being chased. They’d slipped away pretty silently, most eyes were on Geoff and Jack doing extraction or Ryan making his own getaway. Regardless they just kept driving.

Trevor leaned into it, eyes falling shut as he felt the wind brush past him, his shoulders relaxing. They were out, everyone sounded okay, all he wanted was to melt against Gavin and just _be_. it was too dangerous though and the moment he realized that Gavin’s words mattered too much to him he knew he had to shut it down. So, as soon as Gavin skidded to a halt at the desert airstrip Trevor was hopping off, momentum carried him a bit but he caught himself quickly. Distance, he needed to put distance between them. Eyes scanned the horizon, not looking at Gavin, not looking at his lips, not thinking about what it would be like to kiss him.

“You did good, Treycs,” the voice caused him to startle a bit; it was softer, it wasn’t the Golden Boy talking. This was Gavin. This was dangerous. Of course, of all the times to open up to him, to seek him out and compliment him; it had to be as soon as Trevor committed himself to shutting down. There wasn’t turning back though, if anything this drove him further away. They couldn’t begin connecting now, at least not until Trevor could shut down the thoughts that plagued him each time he was left alone with Gavin. “Nice to have someone up there who really knows how to snipe.”

“Th..Thanks Gav,” it was almost curt but Trevor couldn’t help it as the words softened. “There’s always Alfredo. When he’s back from the coast, at least.”

There was a light breeze that brushed past them, stirring up the dry desert air. It wasn’t going to be easy, of course it wasn’t. All he had to do was stop his heart from racing every time he met eyes with Gavin and it felt like an insurmountable task. At least he had work to throw himself into.


	2. Chapter 2

Despite everything he’d thought it was easy enough - Los Santos could do that, make it a lot easier to just switch it _off_ . The work helped too, there wasn’t a job Trevor missed. Whether it was something with the core crew or even with the b-team. His rifle was finally seeing good use, his bed on the other hand wasn’t. No one touched the topic with a ten foot pole, it was obvious something was different but Trevor didn’t make himself approachable. As it was he was hardly _available_. The room set aside for him in the penthouse was often empty, the crew was certain he must have moved back into his apartment for the most part. Either that or he was falling asleep in a chair at the warehouse, it was a feasible guess. 

In fact, he was halfway there already. Most people had cleared the warehouse, only Matt remained besides him. A cold coffee sat next to him as tired eyes scanned the screen. The only noise in the room was Matt tapping on his computer as he worked through some things Gavin had been too frustrated to finish. It was frustrating in and of itself to have work dropped on him in that way but he worked diligently. Trevor supposed he wouldn’t sleep anyways and it was giving him something to do. But what was he doing to himself?

Eyes struggled to scan documents from almost every informant they had. Lindsay had tried to joke with him as she left, there was way too much information to take in. As best as he could Trevor tried to hit back with his usual response of ‘well, I’m an engineer’ but it didn’t sit right in the air. There was an obvious rigidness to his shoulders and his voice cut a lot harsher than before. Maybe he was tired, well he _was_ but maybe he could blame that for how easy it was to switch.

“Working hard?” The voice was almost empty as Trevor’s eyes as he leaned back to look at who was speaking. He saw hands holding the disposable coffee cup, swirling it absently. His eyes met brown ones and his eyebrows settled down, vision hardening. Mogar was looking down at him, boredom hanging heavy in his gaze. Mogar, _not Michael_ , it was like static ran through the air between them. 

“What do you want?” Want, no one had come to him for anything else in weeks. Ever since the heist he stopped being _fun_. Those were Jeremy’s words until he saw the look in Trevor’s eye and it wasn’t funny suddenly. Voices hushed when he came around and at first everyone assumed it was an extended bad mood. Days turned into weeks and he was unchanging until it became normal.

“Wonderin’ what your problem is,” the words were almost a hiss and Trevor had to admit the man was good at his job. He looked as if there was a ticking fuse attached to him, or ready to slobber with bared teeth like the glorified attack dog he could be. He wasn’t necessarily surprised from the interaction, he only questioned what exactly set the man off.

“What’s the problem?” The words left him coldly and he could almost feel it on his tongue. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Matt slip from the room. He couldn’t blame him. Fights were kept between individuals. Unless it was particularly horrific it was better to turn your head and let it get sorted out. A well placed punch usually did the trick. “Every day, Michael, I do my job. Stick to yours.”

There was nothing to say to that but Trevor couldn’t help but notice the way Michael’s jaw twitched. There was something he wanted to say but couldn’t, or wouldn’t. Silence settled heavy on their shoulders and Trevor didn’t so much as flinch as Michael grabbed the collar of his shirt. With a pull they were standing face to face, Michael’s chin tipped up ever so slightly and eyes met. The grip tightened and _tugged_ pulling Trevor into the fist that swung in - Michael’s right, _Trevor’s left_.

Trevor’s left stumbling backwards as Michael takes his leave. Trevor’s left with his ass on the ground, impact sending a shock through his spine. Trevor’s left raising a hand to the bloodfall slipping down his lip. Footsteps echoed away and the warehouse fell silent. They tended to be in tune with each other’s limits - eyes were empty as they moved to study the concrete ground, hand falling away from his nose as it leaked - in a way he wondered if he’d pushed those limits. Everything was so tense, he may have been the boss but he was getting a bit _bossy_. It didn’t sound like a fair trade, him being an annoying asshole for a bloody nose, but he supposed nothing was fair in their business. He had to get up, keep moving, and adapt.

That didn’t mean he was going to change. He was just getting started. Blood wet his sleeve and he felt more inconvenienced than anything. At least practically living at the warehouse had its perks and a fresh shirt sat in his bag. Nothing was broken, some tenderness was obvious as he poked around - it would leave a mark.

* * *

A bruise blossomed under Trevor’s left eye, creeping towards the side of his nose. No one asked and he didn’t tell, he’d simply meet Michael’s gaze steadily. Neither broke much to everyone’s discomfort. Trevor stopped visiting the penthouse. There were other reasons, these instances just happened to overlap. Michael didn’t look guilty and Trevor wasn’t accusatory. Settled.

“Okay..let me get this straight - _how_ much money?” Jeremy’s voice reached him clearly, no one dared to make a ruckus while Trevor was talking. Not anymore. The conference room was for serious inquiries only. 

“Few million - we’re adults, that’s _nothin’_ ,” as he spoke Trevor narrowed his eyes, ever so slightly. His tone was challenging, as if he were daring his crew to question him. They’d taken in a lot of cash before but not at this level of risk. “Right?”

As expected he was met with silence. They had two months to prepare, time enough. They were the best in Los Santos and underneath every wall that Trevor rose, deep down, he knew that if anyone could do it it was his crew. The job itself would be easy, steal information. The hard part was the base _around_ the intel. It was daunting but they’d gotten into Zancudo before, now they just had to make sure they got _out._

“Geoff,” his voice rounded out, Trevor still held a deep respect for the man who held his spot before him. “you’re going to be with Jack. Your job is to distract. Drive up, draw people out, take the whole base’s attention. There’ll be a chopper waiting, she’ll get you out of there safe. Lose the heat and then swing around to pick some people up.”

Jack nodded, silent. She was well aware of her abilities.

“Jeremy, Ryan,” eyes swept the room to fall over the others now. Arms crossed behind his back and there was a simple coldness as he spoke. “Michael. You three need disguises. As attention is pulled away you will infiltrate the base. Bonus points if you get one of their cars to drive back in. Keep your guard up, security will be high. When you’re noticed you’ll take over as attention grabbers. Once we’re done you need to get out, if you’re so inclined you can take a vehicle but Jack should come back for you.”

Trevor swore he caught the glint off of Michael’s teeth. There was a hunger in his eyes and while Trevor had not forgotten what he’d done.. it pleased him. Michael’s darkness was a lot more fun than Ryan’s lately - Michael was fire where Ryan was a black hole. While he loved space, Trevor knew how to appreciate gnashing teeth and too much blood. Cruelty was his secret to getting over a crush. Cruelty kept his mind from spiraling, he never questioned if he was too soft or if he was doing enough anymore. His new focus helped him become less anxious, less fearful. However, it came at a cost. “Do everything you can to distract them while information is retrieved.”

“Gavin.” Everyone was quiet. While no one really _knew_ , everyone sort of knew. Knew that Gavin drove Trevor to everything he did, some way or another. Often indirectly. “Matt will be clearing alarms and whatever footage he can. Alfredo will be cover from a chopper that Lindsay will be piloting. We’re -”

A tenseness filled the air, it almost became too thick to breathe. What kind of bad idea was this?

“We’re.. the boys will have our back. We’re going to drop in from Lindsay’s chopper. Hopefully they can distract everyone from a pair of parachutes. We’ll drop in as far back as we can,” as Trevor spoke they shared a look. The air between them was almost electric. “We’ll make our way in and plug into the computer, Matt will have it from there. He’ll be in our ears directing us there, but since you have your own experience we need you in there. I’ll be cover fire. Lindsay should be able to drop a ladder for us to get out.”

There was a challenge in Trevor’s eyes and Gavin met it. There had always been an odd distance between them outside of very specific instances. Now they’d have to trust each other with their lives. If there was no trust they weren’t going to make it out alive. 

It had nothing to do with feelings, if anything it was the opposite. Inside he cared, deeply, but that was irrelevant. He was responsible for his crew and they were his crew before friends. It was his job to keep them safe and his way of tackling that was through raw trust and power. If someone wasn’t going to open up to real emotional bonds then he was going to drop them into the fire instead. Adapt or die.

Trevor would refuse to admit it had anything to do with unsuccessfully getting past people’s walls. He was simply being a leader and everyone needed to learn teamwork. The best bonds would be forged in fires and he was lighting matches. A recklessness filled his head and he wouldn’t stop until he was at the top, until his pack of dogs was perfectly trained and he could feed them without any doubt. He was always going to protect his crew - only his methods changed. Footsteps covered his thoughts as he listened to everyone shuffle out of the conference room, two months. In two months he would see the fruits of his labor, in two months they were going to attempt what may have been impossible a month before. Maybe even a week before.

In minutes he was alone, standing at the head of a now empty table. A map hung behind him, hastily put up and covered in dark sharpie marks. Everything seemed to melt and he slumped into a chair, shoulders dropping. This would either be the end or start of his career. Everything before this looked like child play, simply a man learning to lead after Ramsey’s reign. This would show Los Santos who he was. For the first time in over a month a fear gripped his chest, this was it.

Soon he followed everyone’s lead, feet carried him out the door, the sound of it closing turned heads. Expectant eyes fell on Trevor and he refused to meet them. He refused to stay, out the penthouse door in record time. Actions couldn’t change how much he cared and if he left they’d relax and have fun again. Trevor could live with that. Silence helped him plan anyways, besides helping him get the perfect amount of emotional distance. 

He didn’t mind playing bad guy for the greater good.


	3. Chapter 3

Two months became two weeks, became two days, became two hours. Whatever nerves anyone had were being forced down in preparation of the heist, quite possibly the most important prep they could do. The penthouse was emptying slowly, for once Trevor was lingering. A voice roused him from his thoughts and before he could blink Jeremy wrapped him in a quick hug, pulling away before anything could be said.

“Go get ‘em, Trev.” The words were followed by a salute and Jeremy was out the door, disguises weren’t going to get themselves. Despite the departure the words still hung in the air and a soft look flashed in Trevor’s eyes. A deep breath helped him steel himself, of all the times now wasn’t the one to let his walls weaken. He kept the softness though, pulled it under the walls and kept it trapped inside, that would have to do.

“We’re just waiting on Lindsay, yeah?” Gavin’s voice was behind him and he dared not turn around. Neither of them moved closer, tenseness bunched in the stiffness of his shoulders. The need for approval, the need for a tender touch, threatened to crop up and Trevor did all he could to keep it down.

“Yeah, if you’ve got everything. We’ll meet her and Alfredo and head in after the distractions have started.” The words were accompanied by a nod and against his better judgement he turned around to face Gavin. He watched the other’s gaze twitch to look him over and a flood of hope and annoyance buzzed inside of him. Thinking about Gavin taking in how he looked like  _ that  _ was too much and he strode past him, leaning against the counter. He couldn’t blame  _ Gavin _ , though. As he passed his own eyes drifted over the other man’s back - he could blame it on their outfits. Instead of disguises they went stealth, a soft, dark material that hugged each of their forms. The only bulk to them was bulletproof and there was something about it that Trevor couldn’t help but find  _ hot.  _

“Just gotta pick a gun. I shouldn’t go gold but it’s on brand, innit?” Banter.. Trevor really hadn’t prepared himself for that. Isolating himself had its perks, namely avoiding a lot of socializing which made it that much easier to keep himself professional. Something so simple made him want to relax entirely, to fall right back into the friendly people pleaser he was. It wouldn’t do; no one was safe if Trevor went easy on them, no one was safe if the boss let his guard down.

“Your choice. Considering what’s on the line  _ I’d _ go stealth.” He kept his voice low, unapproachable. Eyes moved to look at his rifle now and he pretended not to catch the hurt that crossed Gavin’s gaze. He needed the Golden Boy here now, not Gavin. Footsteps faded out down the hall, down to whatever gun he was going to pick. Leaving the situation alone Trevor set about making sure his rifle was clean and assembled, then moving on to tuck a handgun and a knife on his person. This time his job would be up close and personal and he didn’t want to get caught off guard.

When Gavin returned it wasn’t Gavin at all, the Golden Boy finally stood in front of Trevor and he swore he felt goosebumps. The other had a handgun on his hip and something Trevor couldn’t quite catch a glimpse of against his back, heavier firepower. Eyes were covered with aviators and his back was more rigid; the relaxed demeanor of Gavin Free was gone. Trevor couldn’t help but love it in a way. Almost in sync they pushed comms into their ears and moved to make their way to the door. Trevor pulled his rifle over his back and took a breath, the countdown had started.

* * *

Nothing could get through to Trevor as he hauled himself into the helicopter behind gavin. His rifle was slid around on its strap to his front as a parachute hugged his back. The only noise that found its way to him was the drone of the blades as they took off. A low roar filled his left ear as the crew’s voices faded in. Everything shrunk smaller beneath them as they rose, Alfredo braced himself and kept an eye out. No one was paying them any mind. 

As they drew near the base he faintly picked out Lindsay’s voice. She’d pull close to the base and turn at the last second - two people were a smaller target than a helicopter, less to spot, less to shoot (if it came to that). Trevor wished he could say he and Gavin met eyes, but glasses covered both their faces, hiding expressions.

“Get as far down as you can before pulling.” Their faces were barely a foot apart and Trevor let his gaze fall on Gavin’s lips, who would know? The other nodded at Trevor’s instructions, pulling himself up and towards the open door. Without any words he leaned out, then he was plummeting. Grabbing the edge of the door Trevor moved to follow him, a glance back and he met Alfredo’s gaze.

“Get ‘em Fredo,” he thought about Jeremy and how much it meant to be cared for and to care. For now this was all he had to give and mirroring his friend (or did Jeremy mirror what he’d do himself) he gave a last salute to the other before tipping out himself. 

A combination of falling and Lindsay’s departure softened the sound of blades to Trevor’s ear. The comms crackled and he ignored it, keeping himself aware of the ground below him. The wind threatened to rip everything from him, beating against his skin until his chute was billowing behind him. Leaning forward he attempted to tilt his chute down, keeping a good speed. The less time in the air, the better.

Gavin came into view beside him and some of the tenseness left his muscles. No malfunctions today. They sailed in at an angle, soon legs were outstretched and they were leaning back, slowing enough to take the impact of contact. As feet hit the ground Trevor felt a rattle shoot up through his teeth and he skidded a bit as he tried to come to a stop.

“Intel team landed,” Gavin’s voice was filling his ear and Trevor turned to see Gavin shedding his parachute. Matt’s response droned in his ear and he simply shook off his own chute, sliding his rifle so it rested against his back once more. Feet picked up speed until he was jogging, catching Gavin’s arm as he passed. Even as his pace was matched Trevor didn’t let go of his arm, directing them towards a set of stairs. Every guard hadn’t been dragged away, sadly they weren’t that stupid. A fair amount of firepower protected the building still, there must have been at least some suspicion that Jeremy, Michael, and Ryan were a distraction and not a lone job.

As quietly as possible their feet took them down the stairs, for the time being some guards were drawn away to handle the problem, leaving gaps that were yet to be replaced. Trevor swore his knees creaked as they lowered themselves, their pace slowed, careful to keep balanced. His hand fell from its hold on Gavin and he swore he felt a buzz along his palm where he’d held him.

A low whine drew Trevor’s attention - bingo. A door swung on its hinges a bit, left behind by a frantic guard. It was exactly what he’d bet on and it lay in front of him. The boys crept towards it, shoulders touching the wall as it drew closer. When they were on it Trevor flattened himself to the wall, pausing to listen for a minute before craning his neck to get a glance inside.

“Clear,” he whispered over the buzz of their comms, over the burst of Michael’s laugh. Distantly something exploded. Gavin rested a hand on his hip, over the handgun before he pulled ahead of Trevor, stepping inside the building. Steps softened as they moved over the linoleum, quieting any echo off their shoes.

Trevor kept his eyes on each doorway they passed while Gavin kept eyes behind them. Matt’s voice came in to their ears suddenly and finally Trevor was listening. He slowed his steps more, taking in the directions Matt passed along.

“Looks like you wanna hang a right ahead - watch behind on the hall you’ll have your backs to. After you turn you’ll pass through an intersection of halls, keep going forwards and there should be a room on your left. It should be the only one without a window in the door.”

They had reached the right and Gavin moved forwards as Trevor covered his back. He fumbled with his aviators for a moment before tucking them into the collar of his clothes. As they walked their backs brushed, the closeness made Trevor’s breath hitch. He yearned to lean back into the warmth. Matt’s voice brought him back and he’d never been more thankful.

“You’ll want to get into a room on your right, check through the windows. Most of them should be empty, a good portion of the staff has gone home for the day. Once you’re in hunker down for a minute. I’ll get one of the cameras back up and use it to keep an eye out. Michael’s going to break off and blow a hole in the building. This should cause a partial evacuation.”

Trevor’s handgun was raised, trained down the hall as they passed through the second intersection of halls. They began approaching doors and Trevor turned his head, watching as they passed the door without a window. Once he felt they were clear enough, he took the lead and crouched low in front of another door. No light shone through the window but he still scanned as best he could, eyes squinting into the dark. Perfect.

“Not everyone’s going to leave your target room though, understandably. You’ll have to face a small firefight, probably upwards of five people. Use the doorway to your advantage. Once you’re in you know what to do.” 

As silently as he could Trevor inched the door open, slipping through the smallest gap as he could, wanting the smallest amount of movement and noise. Gavin followed before pressing the door shut. Before he could even move away from the window Trevor heard voices, footsteps followed, there were boots echoing down the hall. He wasn’t entirely aware of his actions, moving on instinct alone. Arms grabbed Gavin’s biceps, pulling him away from the door. He pulled them back quick enough to lose his footing. One hand dropped from Gavin and shot behind him, catching himself enough that nothing on his person crashed against the ground. Gavin’s weight fell against his chest and he sank to sit on the ground, feet pushing to slide them back against the corner. Heads bent down as they slid under a table, chests pressed together, Gavin was all but sitting in Trevor’s lap. 

Footsteps grew louder and Trevor raised a hand, pressing it against Gavin’s mouth. Eyes fell shut and he willed his heartbeat to slow as he listened to the sound pass. For a few minutes longer they sat like that, unmoving. Once he assumed it was clear Trevor let his hand fall, eyes opening to Gavin looking down at him with half-lidded eyes. His glasses had fallen off in the tumble, besides it was so dark he would have been practically blind. 

Time seemed to slow as Gavin lowered himself, more of his weight shifting onto Trevor. Nothing crossed his mind as Trevor felt a hand clutch the body armor that covered his chest. Their lips met softly. Breaths mixed as they tilted their heads, searching for the best angle against Gavin’s nose. As Gavin dove back in Trevor’s hand blindly grabbed for his comm, pulling it away before reaching for Gavin’s. This was  _ their _ business.

After what felt like an eternity Trevor’s hand felt around the floor for his comm as a voice rattled from it, raising it back to his ear as Gavin pulled away. As he tucked his comm back in place his hand moved to wipe the wetness from his lips. “Yeah Matt, we’re good. Just had a scare with some people passing the room.”

Trevor couldn’t help but notice as Gavin’s hooded eyes watched his face, fingers brushing the wetness off his own lips. His hand fell away from where he’d been holding onto Trevor, reaching for his own comm.

“Okay, Michael’s moving in now with explosives. I’ll let you know when they partially evacuate the room, be ready to take the last people out.” Matt’s voice had an annoyed bite to it and Trevor couldn’t help but feel a little bad for ignoring him. Not  _ that _ bad though, he decided, watching Gavin shift back, fingers still lingering on his face.

“Hell yeah I am!” Michael’s voice was entirely too loud and Trevor winced against it. He swore he saw a grin flash over Gavin’s lips.


	4. Chapter 4

The building seemed to rattle under their feet and before they could blink and alarms started blaring. Trevor couldn’t say he was surprised but the noise made him want shatter something, his focus was cracking under it. He watched Gavin get to his feet, eyes lingering over slim legs, hugged by their attire. His lips almost tingled as he remembered the feeling of theirs pressed together.

“You guys are clear to go. Remember there are armed people in there.” That was the end of Matt’s help for them, they were on their own. Trevor couldn’t determine if that was good or bad, following Gavin’s lead and clambering to his feet, ducking his head as he pulled himself from under the table. The real fun was about to start.

“Armed?” Trevor knew the answer but it didn’t hurt to check. He pulled his own handgun from his side and watched as Gavin followed his lead. It was an inky black and Trevor felt a bit bad for shooting down his gold gun. No pun intended. “I’ll kick in the door, keep off to the side while we suss it out yeah?”

There was a nod in response and that was enough for Trevor. Moving from the shadows they approached their door, slipping through a small opening again but not closing it behind them. More pressing matters demanded them. The walk was barely six feet but it felt like forever, the door loomed ahead of them. The reason they were even there rested behind it. Soft voices came from inside, flowing out from under the door. He held fingers out for Gavin, barely higher than his hip, a countdown from three.

The last finger tucked down and Trevor raised a leg, delivering a heavy blow to the handle. Something snapped and the door shot open, another shot followed, from Gavin’s gun instead before he ducked and flattened himself to the wall. It wasn’t great, they were on the worse side of the fight and there wasn’t much to do to draw them out. Grenades were out of the question, they needed the equipment. Their only option was to smoke them out, however that left them in the smoke as they completed their job. It was a last resort. 

Handgun cocked, Trevor braced himself, shooting blindly would be dumb, especially with the computers still inside. Instead he braced himself and dove past the door, a shot came from him and he stumbled against the kick, thrown off by his own movements. A dull thud confirmed his kill, pulling a smile to his lips, there was something sinister to it, but it made Gavin’s eyes light up.

A beat passed before Trevor attempted again, throwing himself as low as he could manage and letting off another shot. Years behind his rifle definitely helped with his aim, another thud. The wind was knocked from him as the kickback knocked him off balance again as he tried to hold himself too low. His body armor crushed against his chest as he collided with the ground, falling short of the other side of the door. Fingers scrambled and he tried to drag himself over the linoleum. One might say he was too slow but he was just fast enough to dodge a bullet to the head. A searing pain grazed his shoulder and he pulled his legs into his body, hiding from the door. Alarms still rung in his ears and he wanted to scream.

Whoever was residing inside took this as an opening, quick footsteps headed for the door, ready to finish Trevor off. All he saw was a body crumpling in front of him, revealing Gavin behind them, gun lowering as the threat fell between them. It was Gavin’s turn to cross, he took the mad dash as an opportunity to scope, three bodies were slumped inside. Two from Trevor, one from Gavin. The room was empty.

Hands grabbed at Trevor’s torso, helping him to his feet. He caught his breath as Gavin hauled him into the room, leaving him leaning on the wall as he tried to quiet his spinning head. Eyes followed Gavin’s form, focusing on him rather than the pain. As he calmed his body voices were suddenly clear to him.

“I’m putting the drive into the computer now. Trevor’s been shot, shoulder. Seen worse.” Gavin’s voice hit him twice, delayed in the comms. The pain hit him in another wave as some adrenaline wore off, fingers fumbling for his knife. Fabric tore as Trevor cut some of the soft material from his leg, a combination of his hand and mouth secured the scrap in an attempt to slow his bleeding. It would have to do for now. 

“I’d go with the assumption that others have been alerted you’re there. I’m doing everything I can to speed up the process, you two will need to get out of there as fast as you can manage.” Matt’s voice buzzed in response to Gavin and Trevor focused on it, keeping himself grounded. With deep breaths he tried to steel himself for the escape they’d be making.

“Trev, you doing alright?” Jeremy’s voice crackled in next, poorly veiled concern seeped through the speaker. Trevor felt his body relax, wanting to melt into the embrace of being thought about. Fingers gripped his thigh, a reminder to himself, a pinch to wake him up to keeping it together.

“I’ll make it.” The response was curt and it was quickly pushed past, for Jeremy’s sake he was glad that Lindsay’s voice almost immediately followed. He didn’t want Jeremy to get hung up on his tone - it wasn’t personal.

“We’re having some issues, there’s more air traffic than we accounted for. You might need to make a break for a vehicle and tear outta there, we can pick you up like a mile out at least.” Gavin was mumbling an acknowledgement and Lindsay offered up an apology. Trevor didn’t blame her but he wasn’t exactly looking forward to making an extravagant getaway. Doubly so because he was not letting Gavin drive, even with one arm out of commission he knew he could have more control than him.

“Treyco..Trevor,” he blinked and suddenly Gavin’s voice was reaching him, he was too focused on ignoring the pain he’d begun to space out. His eyes became alert as he met Gavin’s - the drive was removed from the computer and tucked onto his person. “It’s time to go.”

Gavin’s hand found his good arm, holding onto his bicep as he directed them towards the door. Trevor wanted to snap, to insist he could walk, but Gavin’s hand was soft on him and the expression on his face matched. He didn’t read into the way that Gavin felt along his bicep, fingers squeezing ever so slightly. 

They crept into the hall and as soon as they ensured it was clear Trevor shifted out of Gavin’s grasp and grabbed his hand. His palms were sweaty and had smears of blood from tending to his shoulder, it spread onto Gavin who pretended not to notice. Like that, they were running, Trevor pulling Gavin along until he matched pace. The bounce of his step shook his shoulder and he grit his teeth, following exit signs around corners. The alarms still echoed through the halls, covering the sound of their footfalls, that was the only good thing about it. The sound threatened to tear Trevor’s head apart, the piercing tone too much on top of searing pain. 

“Door,” Gavin’s spoke simply, giving a light tug on Trevor’s hand to pull them in the right direction. Without slowing pace Trevor only turned his body, using his good side to force the door open, stumbling out. The sky had fallen dark and bright lights fell down from above them, the immediate areas posing no obvious threats. As if on cue voices buzzed in his ear and he wanted to rip his comm out, after the alarms his ears were hypersensitive. From what he managed to pick up Jeremy, Michael, and Ryan were secure and already making an escape, Jack’s helicopter drawing heat away from them on the ground. Gavin had caught up to him, face red, breaths soft but labored.

“Look,” Trevor spoke low, jerking his head to the side to motion to a sort of Jeep abandoned on the side of the building. The driver side door was open, engine rumbling - Trevor had a suspicion that a hasty evacuation to fire at his crew left him splattered somewhere in the open area of the compound. It was great for them.

Feet were moving and before he could register it he was hauling himself up into the driver’s seat, door slamming behind him. Gavin all but jumped into the seat next to him, fumbling to pull the gun off his back, something a bit stronger than a handgun. Just in time, voices erupted in front of them and Trevor’s gaze was met with raised guns. As soon as he shifted into drive his foot was on the gas. They ducked as shots started, tires screeching as Trevor pulled a sharp turn. He couldn’t help but admire Gavin for a moment, eyebrows set in a harsh gaze as he fired blindly, slouched low in his seat. Trevor could get used to this. 

“Trevor! Gavin! Please tell me you’re on your way out.” Geoff’s voice barked in his ear, he may have stepped down from boss but he’d always be a dad to the crew. Speeds were dangerously high for the close quarters of the compound, the building began to shrink behind them as Trevor drew closer to their exit. The arm was down over it, red and white, begging them to stop - Trevor cried out excitedly as he heard it splinter against the car. Adrenaline rushed back into his body and he could almost block out the deep burn in the arm held close to his side. Blood stained the seat behind him.

“Yeah, shit, yeah!” A wild grin split Trevor’s face, skin wrinkling around his eyes. The sound of Gavin straightening in his seat drew his attention and the expression he was met with held a bit of awe. He was acting like  _ Trevor  _ again and he wanted to kick himself for slipping up, instead he decided to let this one slide. They had succeeded after all. Well, were in the process of it. Cars were tearing after them but Gavin twisted in his seat, making quick work of tires and men alike. At least the choppers had been drawn away, without the spotlight falling down on them they were able to fade into the shadows, dimming headlights and slipping off road as they reached a less steep slope of the rocky terrain. Alarms and sirens faded behind them as they tore between the trees, until it simply got too rocky to safely cross. 

It was as good a place as any to ditch the car and as Trevor abandoned set in park Gavin caught up to him as he hauled himself out, fingers hooking into his body armor to pull him close. Their noses brushed and Gavin was kissing him again, only lurching back when Lindsay’s voice cut through their comms.

“Guys? Sounds like you’re clear now yeah? We’re gonna pick you up,” Gavin’s hand fell away but their faces still lingered close enough that Trevor could see the soft look in Gavin’s eyes. The pain began flooding back as he relaxed, it must have been obvious in the way his face twitched because Gavin’s hand instead reached out to his side. Fingers barely brushed against Trevor’s makeshift bandaging. “I’ve got your pings, I’ll be there in a few minutes. Make your way down closer to the road so I don’t get caught in the trees.”

“Sure thing, Linds,” Gavin’s voice was softer now - his mind was elsewhere. Namely, on Trevor instead of the rest of the crew. He seemed to suddenly take notice of the blood that was streaked over his hands and tried to wipe it against his clothes, a quiet gag coming from his throat. Trevor couldn’t bite back his laugh quick enough, the sound was sharp off his lips.


	5. Chapter 5

Recovery was.. hard. Harder than Trevor expected, at least, he’d been lucky - no bone was hit, no artery, he was the perfect gunshot victim. The pain still persisted, though, a dull ache on his best days. Two weeks had passed and he was still stuck in the penthouse; he’d tried to resist but Ryan had grabbed his shoulder, avoiding the wound but applying enough surrounding pressure to subdue Trevor enough. 

Most days were quiet, the crew was attempting to stay low for a bit at least. They kept busy, though, Trevor knew that much. Jeremy would stop in with some subs in a bag, they’d sit on his bed and eat while Trevor listened to tales about whatever small gang violence Jeremy was interfering with. Sometimes he’d be sporting a new bruise, claiming Trevor ‘had to see the other guy, this is nothing’. He tried to keep an emotional distance enough, nodding and speaking softly. Jeremy didn’t take it personally. Trevor appreciated that.

To his surprise Michael was at his door now, it creaked open slowly and it was shut behind him. Trevor let out a short sigh, defeat swimming in his eyes, he expected another scuffle that he was in no shape for. Instead Michael sat on his bed, confusion built in Trevor’s chest. Everyone had learned to keep a distance and if anything they’d only pop in for a moment before leaving him alone once more.

“You.. Thanks for keeping him safe, Treyco.” The words were soft, Michael didn’t meet Trevor’s gaze. If he did he would have been met with a flood of understanding. When he’d flipped the switch, when he’d begun to turn away, it started with Gavin. That night in the desert ended coldly, Trevor making it clear on their way back to the penthouse that he wasn’t going to be soft anymore. He’d hurt Gavin and Michael was his protector, no matter what insults he’d spit at Gavin he was his  _ boi _ . The weeks had dragged on and Trevor made it clear it hadn’t been a bad mood, he was committing to the part, that’s when Michael confronted him.

“Idiot’s been beatin’ himself up,” he allowed a huff of a laugh to fall from his lips, expression softer than Trevor had seen in a while. A guilt flooded him and he began to pull some bricks down from the walls he’d built because Michael was showing a trust in him. His vulnerability wasn’t worth shutting out the man behind Mogar, someone notorious for keeping people out with bared teeth. “Probably thinks you’re gonna assign him some shit jobs for it. I told him we’d all take bullets for each other. He claims it’s different with you.”

Another rush of guilt seized Trevor, the kiss. It  _ was  _ different, but he couldn’t tell Michael that. All he heard was that Gavin thought Trevor would be mad - that he’d be turned away by the danger of whatever they could have together. The worst part was that Trevor  _ had  _ been turned away, he’d tried to shut it off. They would be painting targets on themselves and Trevor couldn’t bare the thought of being used against Gavin, or Gavin being used to get to him. But now.. now he’d gone too far, he wasn’t sure he could turn back now. The thought of their lips together, the feelings of Gavin’s hands on him, he couldn’t pretend to forget that.

“He’s being such a bitch about it, so maybe just say something to him? Dumbass has been moping - not fun when there’s no fuckin’ jobs. He won’t even play me in Mario Kart.” Eyes finally met Trevor’s and there was a vulnerability there - Michael was asking for help. “I can only lose to Matt so many times.” 

It was too late to be proud, to be defensive, to be afraid - besides he was far too tired and Michael had asked  _ nicely _ . All he had to do was say something to Gavin, it didn’t have to be about anything. He didn’t have to address anything. “Yeah, sure thing Michael.”

Michael’s lips quirked into a quick smile and as he stood he patted a hand against Trevor’s shin. The door was open and shut, leaving Trevor alone once again. Silence was welcomed but also suffocating in a way, his brain raced for anything to say to Gavin that could be safe enough. At this point he wasn’t quite ready to self-incriminate, their feelings may be assumed to be out in the open but.. he wouldn’t jump to conclusions for now. Time, they needed time. When everything quieted down Gavin would come to his senses, as Trevor had. As time had passed during his extended bedrest he’d drawn the conclusion that their kiss was just in the moment (for Gavin at least), it was close quarters and high stakes. Trevor had simply pulled Gavin too close, their nerves had been too high. The second one was simple too, they lived - it was just excitement and the rush of escaping. 

Nothing about it was related to Trevor, how could it be? His phone felt like it was burning a hole in his palm and as he looked he was met with his own face, hair greasy and limp against his forehead and bags under his eyes big enough to pack clothes for a month. Nothing about him was spectacular. 

With a defeated sigh he unlocked his phone and opened his messages to Gavin, fingers hovered over the keyboard. His mind faltered and he simply stared down, fingers twitching but backing off before they could hit any of the letters. A spiral threatened to brew in his head, hurricane Trevor was around far more frequently these days. One hand moved to apply pressure to his forehead as he slumped lower into his bed, crushing his pillows under his shoulders. Before he drove himself to tearing out his own hair he settled on a compliment,  _ ‘thanks for saving my ass, you did good back there’ _ . It still felt too little, too late, but he’d just have to use what he didn’t say in place of things he just  _ couldn’t _ say. 

Something about it all was just exhausting and Trevor wanted to bury himself under the covers and just melt away. His phone hit the bed with a dull thud and his hands moved to his face. Fingers splayed out, dragging over his cheeks as he groaned under his breath. Everything was so needlessly complicated and he wouldn’t have had any issues if he just picked up an engineering job. Maybe he would have settled down, forced everything he was feeling down; but, he had to admit marrying a nice girl never sounded too appealing. Not to mention his deep-seated combination of self-hatred and self-consciousness over his inability to have the nuclear family his parents always expected. 

He just couldn’t seem to help the spiral that began to overtake him, sinking lower where he lay, he winced as he jostled his shoulder. At least he had a semblance of family in Los Santos, he supposed, they loved him despite everything. He wasn’t alone either, Jack looked over him with all the fierceness of a mother bear. That didn’t mean he was any more comfortable pursuing a relationship; men tended to be a pain. He’d met his fair share of gay men who said it wasn’t their fault they couldn’t be attracted to him and an amount of straight men who said they could make an exception considering his body. Anyone otherwise queer was always a gamble, he supposed it was on him to an extent, always uncomfortable with anyone viewing and having thoughts about his body. His dysphoria could be absolutely suffocating.

Of course he couldn’t say anything to Gavin, the kiss would get swept under the rug - he didn’t want anyone to have thoughts about his body. It was his and his alone, the thought of anyone else touching it made his skin crawl. His chest tightened and he realized he’d dug too deep into this hole, wincing as he heard laughter in the living room. Why couldn’t he just be  _ okay _ ? His crew was happy, he should be happy.

“Treycs?” A voice cut through the air in his room that simply felt too suffocating to him - he never heard the door open. However, he did hear it close and watched with a tense gaze as Gavin crossed his room. The bed dipped as he sat, closer than Michael did. If Trevor turned his head just a bit he could faintly smell Gavin’s cologne, he almost felt light headed. “Hangin’ in there?”

He had to be, of course he  _ had  _ to be. If he wasn’t then everything would fall apart. Everyone would worry, they’d care too much. Not only would an uncomfortable amount of attention be on him.. their attention wouldn’t be on things like staying safe - vigilant. “Yeah, shaking off the last of that soreness. I’ve had worse.”

The answer was enough for Gavin, apparent by the slight nod he gave before falling silent. His gaze dropped to his hands, fingers tapping and sliding together, nervousness fizzed in the air. Trevor was suddenly overcome with a rush of urgency, he fought to keep panic from his gaze as he opened his mouth before Gavin could make some confession he’d regret.

“Hey,” it was spoken quick, letters were in a mad rush to escape his mouth  _ first _ . “I’m really fuckin’ craving damn pudding. I’m certain we’ve got none in the fridge. Could you go ask Jack to make a store run. She wasn’t answering my texts, probably not checking her phone.”

The lie fell from his lips easily, eyes expressed some form of urgency and Gavin looked almost disappointed he’d gotten practically cut off. Trevor almost felt bad. “Know what Trevor, I’ll go Trevor. You gotta come with, though. Probably should get on your feet, get the blood pumping, yeah?” 

For a moment he opened his mouth, ready to protest. He could say his hair was too greasy, he felt too grimy, he needed to shower, but the look on Gavin’s face stopped him. Gavin Free, proud Gavin Free, the same Gavin who kept himself aloof and hid everything he conceivably could about himself, visibly wanted Trevor to accompany him. There was a pang in his chest and for once Trevor couldn’t squash the pure  _ want  _ that filled his heart. “A..Alright.”

With that, they went.

* * *

The fluorescent lights bouncing off white linoleum threatened to be too much for Trevor. A headache was brewing and he simply moved through the aisles, picking through chips and candy bars as some noise droned on. The newest pop songs were almost inaudible and he couldn’t care to strain to hear them. Gavin was the next aisle over, Trevor could see the top of his head peeking over the shelves as he checked his phone. Everyone must have sent him requests when they saw the boys heading out, currently Gavin was grabbing Slim Jims, no doubt for Jeremy. He had to all but tear his eyes away, lowering from where he’d raised himself on his toes for more of a glance. Cheeks flushed as he scolded himself for watching the other lazily, friends didn’t do that and he was supposed to be staying  _ friends _ . Friends were safe, friends wouldn’t want to.. look at or touch his body too closely.

Attention was diverted back to the shelves, there wasn’t any pudding and Gavin had given him such a genuine apology on his own behalf that Trevor almost felt bad for lying. Since when was Golden Boy Free so sensitive? A switch had flipped and Trevor refused to entertain the idea that it had anything to do with himself. Why would Gavin care what an emotionally stunted people pleaser, with a tendency to isolate himself and lash out, thought of him?

Bags of Chex Mix and Doritos filled his vision and he forced them to fill his thoughts, too. Anything else would be easier to think about. The eternal debate was filling him now as he went back and forth between something cheesy and something simply salty and savory. Chex Mix had variety to it, but there was an appeal to a plain Lays.. or maybe a Funyon.

In the end he grabbed three different bags and shuffled his way towards the wall of drinks. Suddenly he felt a bit self-conscious of his baggy sweatpants and ratty shirt. As he looked over the alcohol selection he caught a very slight glance of his faint reflection, he could have assumed he was just looking at an alcoholic - he almost laughed, he needed a shower.

The selection was a little grim but it grabbed his attention enough, pulling him back to the present and away from himself. Nothing was too appealing but there  _ was  _ Four Loko and he wasn’t totally opposed to the idea of drinking his brain quiet. Besides, Jeremy would join him at least. After a moment of though he backtracked a few feet to dump the chips back on their shelf, he’d rather fill his arms with some drinks. They had some snacks at the penthouse anyways.

As he reached for the cooler’s door handle his brain short circuited and his hand froze, gripping the handle until his knuckles turned white. He swore he could hear something, it wasn’t terribly loud but it was abrasive. His ears burned and it felt as if they were being scratched by sound alone, knees threatened to buckle. Giving in Trevor shakily fell into a crouch, his hand fell off the handle and moved until he was covering his ears.

Gavin’s voice was muffled but it seemed to cut through everything else.


End file.
